Have you ever stopped and thought about how different the person you are today is completely different from the person you were at your darkest moments in the past? Well I did. By accident this morning.
4 Years Ago…
Like all young men, I fell foolishly head over heels in love, like the type when you’re in so deep that you don’t know what day of the week it is. The type of love where at the end of every second sentence…..you mention her name.
Then comes the fateful day you hear the words….
“We need to talk…”
We all know the truth (for those that do not I pray for you) behind these words. However like most I became a recluse to society for the better part of 3 years before finding my partner now who is slowly unearthing my black heart….ok let me stay on brand and the theme.
Expelling My Demons With Writing!
Maybe in my intense rage and pain I wrote this but I buried this poem deep into my sub-concious, I was actually looking for a comic book list I left on my iPhone and then this popped up.
So without going on and on….ENJOY
It’s comical, it’s illogical me writing like this, but there’s no other vice I can fathom. Memories still etched in my being, buried, not hidden, I recall them like numbers in my iPhone and they pollute my mind and body like a virus. FEROCIOUS like cooking popcorn, a slight nudge undoes the buckle, the restraint gets obliterated like tissues paper in a rainstorm.
It’s funny, how your soul can be so entwined with another, yet in a moments notice you’re in the same situation we were in when we were born. Alone, majorly broken, confused, yet you think of this often. The possibility of you seeing me holds futility in my reality.
UNANIMOUS like a UFC boxing champ vs a rookie, he has no chance in hell maybe his mind can’t tell. Can’t break the illusions of grandure, pity the fool, doesn’t realise he’s done, washed up, full cycle like them washed clothes on a hanger.
It’s real, best believe she be in some others arms but you refrain from ALL your instincts to go and bash him. To clash him. It’s not a rap battle over here but best I will lyrically disembowel you eat your caracas, choke it down like cinnamon challenge and shed no tear. No fear. CALLOUS like an African lion ripping out your genitals, it’s unethical, unprecedented how anyone can do you so wrong, you’re screaming ‘NOT LIKE DEEZ’ when you hear her name called.
It’s magical, rejoicing what once was, not the who did what’s, you know the lovey dovey shits. The tummy rubbin’ shits. The passion, your asking the lord ‘how did i mess up something so major’. KINDNESS like the type of stuff a mother has for her children, ok let me be real then, maybe possibly, it was a fraction. I’ll keep this short and sweet as a nut because I’m not about this life, commando, my heart wearing that bulletproof vest, coupled with a knife.
It’s painful, I won’t sit here and preach that I’m thick skinned. Thick boned, heart of stone, no varying pitch when I hear your voice on the phone? Must be a clone, not me because evidently, my heart got holes. A field like rabbits fasting for a month popping out for carrots, see? Man having a heart just blows. Yearning like a vampire, who hasn’t feasted for days. I miss your sweet cas’m, yes your cavern, the ecstasy in your face as you orgasm, legs spasm. Like it deep, man a freak, licking toes and the feet, your body was my oyster. Card. I would top you up with the shard, after 4 hours have you saying ‘damn how can you still be so hard’.
It’s disappointing, how those times become yesterday. Boy you never say that yourself, that stings more than iron bars and a belt. To the face, the one that she shitted all over, reversed the car, crashed into an run your shit over. OUTRAGEOUS like giving Ahmed a damn McBacon sandwich on ramadan, look I’m not a fan, playing around with the heart makes one emo, shit like Stan.
It’s over, the words that I now recite. Don’t even fight it, hype it, emotions roll through, armed with the cannon I try and snipe it. Shoot down any strays I catch slipping’ like the KKK and a Nigerian. USURPED like a kingdom, diamonds and riches harvested and collected. Head held high, never rested, this is a battle between me and the love I once had, trying to convert to now detested.
Ferocious, Unanimous, Callous, Kindness, Yearning, Outrageos and Usurped. I loved you. The 1 to my 1 that equalled the two, me and you, now it’s all blue, subtract feeling, leaving me kneeling but I’ll survive on my own. Fuck you.
As I lay myself down to sleep, I mutter ‘fuck you’ and the feelings I keep. But if you should return to me as I wake? I will fuck you and leave you, your heart mine to take.
The raw emotion, the feeling, just reading my own writing and thinking to myself, was this really me at the time?
Time may ‘heal all wounds’ but time does never ever ever ever ever heal slowly. So to all who have felt recent heartache, or it is in the past? Time is our friend but doesn’t mean it’s a fast acting one.
